I can't sleep. As I sit her in front of this glowing screen, my house silent due to peaceful slumber (all but my own), I can't help but reflect on all that has happened since my last post. It was over a year ago. How does a year pass without me sitting down to note a few of the huge things that have happened in our lives? I don't even know where to begin. I suppose that's just how life goes. There is no exact moment of beginning to events and things that happen or their end. Sometimes things just don't end, you just get used to them and it becomes the normal. There is no start or end, really. It's more like a constant flow that occasionally, or very often in some cases, mixes in a new ingredient. Like a constant flow of water ... all of a sudden there's also oil... and then color... and then salt... and then sugar... the flow keeps moving, but the mixture is ever changing. That's our life. It started out so simple and easy. We knew what we had; water. But now we have some crazy mixture of lots and lots of different things. Can't tell when one started pouring in, just all of a sudden you could taste the difference.
Our move from Sheridan to Minot seemed this way. Like it would be one big event that would eventually end. But it doesn't end, it's just that this is our new "water". This is where we live and what we do.
None of this makes sense, but in a way it does. So, I'm leaving it.
Paxton is missing from this blog. And how could that be? We can't even imagine what our lives would be like without him. He just fits. Our family is whole. I need to write a bit about him because it tugs at me that he is already 18 months old. When I was pregnant and alone, in Sheridan with the kids while Josh was here, these days weren't even imaginable in my mind. I was so absorbed in every detail of what was going on then, that it slipped my mind how quickly things change. You'd think that by now, after having all these kids, I'd know that it goes by so fast, I'd maybe remember, but I didn't.
He doesn't fall short when comparing him to his siblings. He is everything they are, but so very different, as they all are. It's amazing that they came from the exact two people and are so very different. Paxton has stolen my heart. Or what was left of it after Z, Lex, and Ryd have made their marks. I am cherishing every single moment with him as I am afraid that it is just slipping away. I wasn't ready for him to walk, talk, run, jump. Don't get me wrong, it's all darling, but I could have handled it if he were a baby a teeny tiny bit longer. Everyone loves him, including the other kids. Lexi is his second mom. Sometimes I think she does a way better job than I do, too. She gets him on her bed and reads to him, teaches him how to kindly pet the cat and is sure to be stern with him when he pulls her tail instead. Zach is so gentle with Pax. He never heads to bed without giving him a kiss and a snuggle first. Pax loves to jump off his bed and into his arms. And Ryder... Ryder and Pax are going to be very good friends. I can already see it. Even though it scares me to death, I love it. My two mad-men, out to get their thrills. My adrenaline junkies. today I caught Pax climbing the shelves in the laundry room. It's a good thing Josh anchored that bad boy! And he has, several times over, attempted to dig the fish out of the bowl after he had climbed on top of the piano to reach it. Poor Peeta.
I may have had a slight heart attack the day Ryder started kindergarten. I am recovering. Slowly, but still. It's an odd thing to go from having a person be with you every single hour of every single day and then all of a sudden not. It was the same with the others. But maybe different considering the new town/school...I miss him all day. Every day. But, I have to admit that my time spent alone with Paxton has been very rewarding. He and I have become quite the pair. He follows me, I follow him. We do our thing and it works very nicely. He loves to help me with my chores... very fond of starting the dishwasher and the clothes dryer. He is great at helping me get any of the dropped clothes directly into the dryer. I love to watch his sweet little finger push the start button. You have to hold it for three seconds for it to start and I'm pretty sure that it was invented to be like that just so that I could have this kairos in time and stare at the damn cute pointer finger for a little bit longer. I examine every tiny wrinkle and bend, the nail and the soft as silk skin...three seconds ins't a lot, but I'll take any second of time that he actually holds to still to admire the incredible miracle that the creature truly is.
And he is mine.
God picked me to be this mama. WOW! What a blessing beyond explanation. I just don't even know how to thank God for choosing me. I'm at a loss every day because I feel so inadequate. I have these tiny human beings that are mine, all mine. And why? How did I get picked? He gave the very best ones to me. That's it. I am God's favorite. Hate to break it to you all, but that is the only logical reason I can think of why he would give THEM to ME!!! But why would I be His favorite??? Oh goodness... I am just. So. Thankful.
I love you, Paxton Jack.